Big Dick
Undisclosed Location
USA

Dear Big Poppa,

I got muh butt scanned today, and it turns out all the bullshit I’ve been pushin’ the last few years has caught up with me in a terrible way#–I got lumps in muh dumper!

That’s real bad news, I guess. Not like when you eat corn and have normal lumps, but bad lumps (like the irritation you get after snortin’ coke). Do you know what they’re gonna do? They’re gonna cut out part of muh butt! If they really want to remove the pain in my ass, maybe they can pass a law sayin’ ever-body has to agree with me… well, we get around that anyway, don’t we? JK

Ever-body says I better let you be President for a while in case somethin’ happens while my butt’s getting took care of. I told ‘em you was already President but they shushed me and made me write a letter. So… YOU’RE PRESIDENT! I mean, officially and everything! How cool is that?!